ļ»æSo, todayās episode is going to be a little bit different, and I think thereās a good reason for it. Last week, in episode 14, I told you about Equivocation and at the end I talked about how understanding equivocation can help you have better conversationsā¦and I just kind of left it at that.
As I got to thinking more about it, I realized I kind of left you hanging. Itās super easy to say, āhave better conversationsā but the reality is, having good conversations isnāt easy! It doesnāt necessarily come naturally to most of us, and itās another one of those things that typically isnāt modeled or taught in schoolā¦but itās really important! That just means we need to learn the skill somewhere else. And whose responsibility is it to learn the skills we need for life & good relationships? Ours! Itās our own responsibility, so Iām going to dive into that today.
Hereās the thingā¦my original plan for this podcast was for season 1 to be all about Logical Fallacies, and Season 2 will be all about Cognitive Biases, and starting in Season 3, Iāll be discussing how to think well, and Season 4 how to have conversations well. But that means youād have to wait probably over a year to hear about having a good conversation, and I just felt like I was leaving you hanging.
So, you wonāt be learning a new fallacy todayā¦Iāll get back to that in tomorrowās episode. Today, Iām going to talk about having a conversationā¦.a GOOD conversation.
Now, you might be thinking, thatās dumb. I have conversations with people all the timeā¦what could there possibly be to learn about how to do it? And thatās a fair question. āCuz youāre right. We have conversations all the time, so what could I possibly have to teach you?
Well, when it comes to conversations, there are actually a lot of nuances involved. There are social skills, and there are nuances of how the conversation changes when youāre talking to your best friend versus your distant relatives versus someone you just met versus someone who makes you nervousā¦and then thereās conversations with someone you agree with on a topic versus someone you disagree with, etc, etc. Thereās a TON of different conversational possibilities! And thereās no way I can talk about all of them, so for today, Iām going to pick up where I left you hanging in episode 14 and take it from there.
So in episode 14, I talked about how the definition of racism is changing, and I said that understanding this will help you have better conversations. Today, I want to give you 5 things to actually help you have better conversationsā¦especially if you find yourself having a conversation that could get heated, or where you & the other person may not see things eye-to-eye. Ready? Letās go.
1. Essential number one is something I learned from my father-in-law, and itās a mindset that will help you going into any conversation. And itās this: Seek first to understand, then to be understood. Seek first to understand, then to be understood. Most of us want to be heard, to feel understood. So we usually end up repeating our ideas or positions over & over, louder & louder. We want to be understood first and more than we want to understandā¦ b/c it feels good to be understood! But this creates a sea of people who are more interested in talking than in listening. Itās been said that listening feels a lot like love. And when someone feels heard & understood, brings down their walls and defenses, and will hopefully make them more open to then understanding where youāre coming from.
2. Essential Number 2 is one that I just learned recently from my friend Andy Truitt, and when I heard it, it challenged me! He said in order to have a good conversation, you must be willing to be persuadedā¦not just trying to persuade the other person. Whoa. Insert Mind-blown emoji. Let me say it againā¦In order to have a good conversation, you must be willing to BE persuaded, not just trying to persuade the other person. If youāre like me, youāre thinkingā¦WHAT?!? There are certain things that I believe to be true that Iām not sure I WANT to be persuaded out of believing. It would be very hard for me to go into a conversation with someone about these things and be completely open to being persuaded by them. My tendency is to want to be the person doing the persuadingā¦just being honest here. But he challenged me on that and said that if Iām not open to being persuaded, is it really a conversation? Or is it just me trying to convince? Now, stay with me here. The reason this one was so hard to wrap my brain around was b/c I didnāt understand Number 3. And the reason you can be willing to be persuaded is b/c of Essential Number 3.
Number 3: The goal of the conversation should be to seek truthā¦not to prove ārightnessā, or to convince or āwinā. The goal of the conversation should be to seek truth. So when you hit a point of contention or disagreement in the argument, you choose to press in with the goal of pressing toward truth. Not opinion, not to prove āyour sideā, but to find truth. Think about it, if the things you believe are really true, you shouldnāt be afraid of looking at them through the lens of trying to find truth. If theyāre true, youāll just wind up at the same conclusion again! But if theyāre not true, donāt you want to know that?? Seeking to find truth in a conversation will then help you demonstrate
Essential Number 4, which is: Respect & love for your neighbor (neighbor being the person youāre in conversation with). Yes, you need to bring a certain amount of love & respect for the other person if youāre going to have a GOOD conversation with them. You may disagree with them, but you can still have respect for them as a fellow human being, created by God, just like you are. Without love & respect, you can have a great yelling match, but weāre talking about having a GOOD conversation here. And listening well is a way to show love & respect to our neighbor.
And one thing that will help you listen well is Essential Number 5: Beware of your own triggers: emotionalism & defensiveness. If you find yourself getting hijacked by emotionalism or if you find yourself getting defensive b/c they donāt agree with you, itāll be pretty near impossible to do any of the other 4 things that it takes to have a good conversation.
You donāt have to look very far to see the results of conversations where people got defensive or emotionally triggered. Itās not pretty & usually nothing gets accomplished except the two people get even further entrenched in their dislike for the other person.
We can do better. We need to do better. We can learn to communicate in a way thatās truthful, winsome & persuasive, and hopefully this podcast is a step in helping you do that.
So, just to wrap up, the 5 Essentials to GOOD communication are:
1. Seek first to understand, then to be understood. 2. Be willing to be persuaded. 3. The goal is to seek truth. 4. Respect & love for the other person. 5. Beware of your own emotional triggers.
Does that help? I sure hope so. Let me know if that was helpful.
And join me tomorrow when weāll get back to the fallacies and Iāll be talking about the Tu Quoque Fallacy!
Remember: When you learn HOW to think, you will no longer fall prey to those who are trying to tell you what THEY want you to think and it all starts with asking one simple question: āIs that really true?ā
